I've been sitting at this computer, doing nothing, for about 20 minutes...
Have you ever had a certain moment in your life where everything was going so great and you had this fire going that was unstoppable and almost every month your were producing 30+ illustrations with plans that would go far and into success and you knew it'd be a success even in you were a freelancer, you had this feeling and that fire you had was unstoppable....
Nothing could go wrong.....
Christmas rolls around. The most chaotic time of the year but also the most profitable. The unthinkable happens. Your fire, while running here and there, getting yourself out there and keeping up with family dinners and parties...well somewhere in that madness, your fire simply disappeared.
A new year comes and you realize suddenly that something is missing. Your fire, your drive, is gone yet you're not burnt out, because you can still produce artwork like a crazy madman but you're stuck. You're lost. You know where you want to go but nothing you ever do helps you.
People that you talk to say they will buy your product, tell their friends, and you're excited...for a moment. You know word of mouth is the strongest tool a illustrator/or any businessman/woman has. Deep down however, you only inhaled the ashes of a lie. Two steps away from you, and they're forgotten you've even existed, business card or not. The card might as well be something for them to burn in there fireplace for the winter.
Yes, 1 out of a 1000 that you've spoken to may actually do as they said and all the people who were sincere and wanted to help you out, giving to places to go were you'd be successful. You did them, but nothing happened. Was that a lie too or was it simply not your day of good fortunate?
You know you're a good salesperson. Your family are impressed by you and strangers are wrapped and enthralled into your words as you silently demand their attention with your enthusiasm and flair.
Still you press on, in a quest to find your drive while trying to make a name for yourself. You know you're talented, you know people loved what you do because they tell you time and time again and you've developed a way to read if they truly do mean what they say; the way they act, where their eyes travel, what they linger on, their expressions an the tones of their voice. In the end, they're nothing but penny-pinchers.
You begin to ask yourself, is this worth it? You know the road of becoming an illustration, freelance or not, is hard. Do you really want your talent to just die? Characters, scenes and creations that you've inked life into, they put their trust in you. After all you know what they think and what their hopes are and they turn into your imagery friends, giving pep-talks that you're wonderful and your're going to succeed. Not that I've gone loopy or anything but I believe ever artists thinks of their art as a way to express who they are, subconscious or not.
Characters who become icons, you put your best into them and in a way they are a small part of who you are, so those who are fan of that character is, almost like having the artist be friends with that fan. Alas, you have characters you know, would be icons but here you are....
producing art and trying to be known while you watch new artists, who have only been around for a few months become popular and you...
you're just invisible....
life, its cruel but you shrug it off, subconsciously knowing that even though you are happy for those artists who made it, you also find it bitterly and disappointingly annoying.
"You are unique"
"You are fantastic"
"I've never seen anything as tantalizing as this before"
Lies? Truth? If I'm so good as you say I am, then why am I still here, invisible! As tears of angry and disappointment fall from my eyes, I'm torn between letting this all go and letting this talent die or strive on and go where?
I can't breathe, as my angry grows and though my art always has a smile, I wonder if thats all the happiness I'll get from my art. I don't ask for much. My price is affordable but competitive. I know how the game works. I know they people are places I've sold at had the money to buy my books, because I seen them buy 300 to 400 dollars item right next door to me for items you could find in any every store for less than 5$.
Thoughts of my arts worthiness turn to my looks. I know I am beautiful, people flock to me like a moth to a flame and when there in my company they let down their guards, their masks, because they know I won't judge them. I've seen it time and time again because come to me for help but when they return to their friends, all I see are masks. I am a light to them....
So, if that be true and I may always look presentable when I sell my art and I always feel excited and my excitement is contagious, maybe that a memory, a echo, of the flame I once had but I wonder what do I look like to people who I tried to sell my life's ambitions too? Do I look like someone who hasn't spent hours or blood, sweat and tears into bringing something to life for OTHER people's enjoyments.
insecurities, blah, who needs them....
I don't need them so I strive on. They don't exist!
I'll don't get a flame to do this but I'm be my hold flame!
Nothing. I'm no where. Years tick by and I do all that i can but it seems in vain. Lost in a void of blackness and still the world walks through me as if I don't existence. I can build up crowds with popular apps like breathing...and yet....
Thoughts of why am I still doing this linger.
Will anyone reads this? Maybe and maybe not. Maybe they'll start but realize its just another nameless person crying out for help but they don't have time for them. They know deep down they actually could help, but self-centered thoughts of going to check out people who have already made a successful business and by now don't need them to be a well known name.
Christmas....its back again and by now you've secretly come to dread it. Knowing this was the time your drive vanished. Your family and friends don't know your secret thoughts and you can't imagine thinking them even though you know they would listen. Thats my family yet if I even think of it, I'm filled with tears. I don't want them to pity me or feel disappointed.
Listening to Alan Walker's song Faded, instrumentally on a loop, as I write this, my emotions just pour out of me. Why is it easier to spill your guts to strangers than to family?
I am religious. I've known God all my life. If someone put a gun to my head and asked if I believe in God, without thinking I'd say yes and tell them I'd forgive them...then forget them. I've asked God time and time again for help, but I'm invisible its seems, even to Him. I know He's there, I will always believe but this time in my life is hard. I could never be angry at Him either.
Some people may think Christians have an easy live, that they're so much better than much. Even though I'm religious I have had thoughts of suicide and God has gave me without question, with my art carrier as it is, its seemed better to end it all. After all, artists seems to only become millionaires when they're dead. *sarcasm lol*
Only one time did I get a knife to end my life, to which my family hasn't end known about and this was back in 2017, I was so angry, a wreck with unending tears, cursing at everything and anything in my mind while putting the knife to my wrist....God came to me. Its the only reasonable explanation. The darkness and foul rage that held had suddenly vanished and I was suddenly wrapped in a peace, like arms were holding me tightly as I wiped my tears away, I vowed I never do that again.My thoughts are clear of that so don't worry:)
So no, even Christians go through hardships like everyone else. We're human.
I try to be a light to everyone, give them hope. That's all I want. If God gave me my talent in art to bring happiness to people, even if for a little while, I am glad.
"When writing are you writing this?"
"Shut up already!"
My question is....
Do I kill the talent God gave me? Give up and try to be happy in my nonexistence state which to even think about it, breaks my heart and I fight tears.
Live a empty life....with nothing to say that I'm unique or talented but instead just a boring, no good wanderer.
Or do I try to fight for my flame that seems impossible to ever find again?
This is worth it?
My heart screams yes
While my brain says no
I've seen my art bring smiles to people but to only those who find me...if they're lucky.
I'm simply invisible and will probably will remain that way even after I end this post.
I know there are who artists who struggle like me, and I supported them 100% because I don't want them to be like me...I've even seen a few actually succeed. Others are following.
I'll leave you guys now. I've been typing since 7:46 PM and its now 9:49. Sorry if this upset anyone.
I just need a place to scream,
even if no one heard.